A Way In Which Raiden Did Not Defeat The Tengus
by Firefly99
Summary: MGS2, gen, shameless crackfic. Alone in Arsenal's tracts, inches away from a climatic battle, beside a legend. So why not bully him for a bit?


_**Based on a true story.**_

_Well,_ Raiden thought, staring around himself in a relieved sort of way, _despite all that girlfriend drama, it feels great to have some pants on._

For some reason, having clothes made everything feel more like it was under control. It made the Colonel's Codec conversations feel more like an amusing little issue that would all blow over shortly. He decided not to think about Rose.

As great as his confusion was, it was very reassuring being in front of Snake. He'd never really got a proper look at him back in the Ascending Colon - he'd been too busy trying to work out how to use the sword. The Legendary Mercenary was standing directly in front of him, in the flesh - it was different to before, when he was dressed as Pliskin. In this Sneaking Suit he radiated majesty and power like nothing else. He was clean-shaven. Raiden winced a little at that, remembering his first encounter with Pliskin - he hadn't meant for him to take it as a fashion tip; he'd just been randomly grabbing stuff around the dock in a fit of panic and he had to get the shaver off his hands somehow, and so why not give it as a present? Besides, he'd had to show his gratitude for the cigarettes, which was, in fact, very low, so he might as well swap it for something which would be useless to Pliskin in the same way he'd been handed something that would have been useless to him.

Of course, he probably should have given him his natty orange sunglasses which, for some reason, didn't make the entire area look luminous orange when he entered First Person View. They'd have looked a lot better on Snake than those weird plasticy blue things he was wearing now.

But overall, seeing the legend in the flesh in full equipment and ready for battle was beyond amazing. The power with which he simply breathed was beyond description. He glowed. This was charisma, this was heroism-in-Spandex.

Hell, he'd even re-dyed his hair.

Slightly weak at the knees, Raiden lifted the Digital Camera - zoomed in on his face, around it, trying to ignore the condensation on the camera's lens. He snapped off a quick picture, but was annoyed to find out that his Memory Card had broken and gave him an irritable Save Failed message. He saved it onto the other Memory Card instead.

Snake continued watching him, impassive. Experimentally, Raiden probed at his heart with the Directional Microphone. His heartbeat was soft, slow. The AP Sensor sent the softest, slightest rumbles through the controller vibration - nothing like those jittery, neurotic guards, or like jittery, neurotic Emma. This was clearly an expert; calm, prepared for anything.

Hmm.

Well, it was going to be a hard battle ahead. He might as well get rid of the things in his Equipment menu which would be useless. AKs-74u - need it. M4 - need it. Boxes - don't need 'em, but they have too much sentimental value to ditch. Oh, wait. Magazines and Books.

He placed a Book at Snake's feet.

"Damn kid," Snake grunted, and Raiden laughed a little - he had a new nickname. He liked watching Snake trying to keep his eyes off the very racily posed picture of Mao Shiina. This, he decided, was amusing.

He tried it again.

"What are you thinking?"

_I'm thinking,_ Raiden thought, _that there must be more ways I can bully you._

He took the Ration in the top right hand corner of the room, and ate it - just in case Snake lashed out, he decided, he didn't want to have a pathetic orange blip of health left. Getting killed by the Legendary Mercenary Solid Snake was for random guards who wondered up and down corridors with abnormally-misshapen cones of vision and a death wish, not for allies.

He lobbed a Magazine at Snake, and was slightly surprised to find out it warranted getting shot. Bullets...little piece of plastic. It didn't add up. Thankfully, it didn't hurt enough for him not to lob all six of his Magazines at the mercenary, because the way he bounced when they boinged off his forehead was just _funny_.

Then he decided to run around Snake in increasingly spazzy circles until he knocked into him one too many times and Snake rolled at him like a Spandex-covered bullet, knocking him into the wall with a growly "damn kid!"

Was bullying people always this much fun?

The M9 was next. Snake dropped like a rock, just regaining enough sense to arrange himself into a recovery position. Trying not to laugh, Raiden hooked his arms around Snake's legs and let him drop, catching the Dog Tag as it clinked on the floor. He was momentarily disorientated by the fact that it read Liquid Snake.

Liquid Snake. Was this an impostor? How would he know? They had the same face, same build, came from the same genetic stock. Liquid was quite an impressionist, from what he'd heard, and smart, too. Liquid Snake - perhaps that explained things. Perhaps that explained the glasses. But then, if he was Liquid Snake, why was he helping Raiden? Was he just waiting for a chance to punch him off a cliff? Why would he? Surely Liquid was definitely dead? What was Otacon doing? Raiden's mind buzzed with conspiracy theories. He raised the Camera, pointed it at Snake's head, and tapped the Triangle button - sure enough, the legend '**Liquid Snake**' appeared above the legend's - or maybe not - head.

"Liquid...?" Raiden growled, deep in his throat. Did that mean that the body that Otacon gave to the authorities was actually Snake? Was this actually a worthwhile theory? He equipped the Thermal Goggles, and First Person Viewed hard at Snake's arm in the vague hope that it might help him see Liquid's distinct caduceus-thingy tattoo, but all he saw was a vaguely humanoid orange blob with a cyan bandanna.

Raiden unequipped the Goggles and paused, trying to remember his VR training. Yes, in the VR training, there was always some bizarre, outlandish plot twist that jumped out of nowhere. This would have to carry over to real life too, right? So that would be the plot twist in real life - Snake turned out to be Liquid! He imagined the sleek, menacing purr of that terrible British accent as that M4 raised itself in the terrorists hands, poking at Raiden's throat -

- OK, the only answer would be that he had to kill Liquid before that happened, he decided, and lifted the PSG-1. He should take a really close look at the sleeping face of the man lying in front of him, he decided. A really close look. Surely Snake had a broken nose, and Liquid hadn't? That would be how he could tell them apart, be sure he had the right Snake.

He decided to pop every single Pentazemin pill he had in his inventory, just to be safe. It wasn't like he was going to need them later, and the nanoes in his system would keep him from overdosing on the stuff. His aim steadied, and his heartbeat calmed. Looking at the world through the eerie, emotionless, tranquilised clarity provided by the pills, he scrutinised the line of Snake's nose.

Too straight, he decided, and zoomed in, lining himself up for a direct shot through Snake's temple.

It was only after the Mission Failed screen appeared, and after Otacon screamed a catatonic "_SNAKE? SNAAAAAAAKE! RAIDEN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!_" down the Codec, and just as he hit EXIT, that he remembered that if you play this bit on Easy mode Snake's Dog Tag identifies him as Meryl Silverburgh.


End file.
